To say that life has been an emotional roller coaster these last couple of weeks would be an understatement. We have a saying in real estate that the highs are high, and the lows are low, but really, that statement carries over to life in general. You can be on top of the world one day and feel like someone just sucker punched you the next.
The last two weeks have been particularly tough on my family, as my 95-year-old father’s health has rapidly declined. He has fallen in the home several times and can no longer take steps on his own much less take care of his basic needs. Decisions had to be made as to what is the best course of action for him now, and like so many of you reading this know, these decisions are never easy. Nobody wants to put their parents in a nursing home but yet, sometimes it is the only viable option and the best option for them. Promises are often made in good faith that we will never let that happen. The trouble with making promises like that is that we can’t predict what the future holds and often can’t keep those promises. We naively think we will be able to handle it but like so many situations, you don’t know exactly how hard and stressful something is until you are in the thick of it.
Such is the case with my Dad. We all knew one of his biggest fears was going into a home. His other biggest fear is dying. And here we are, the four adult children along with my mother, who have to decide what to do now when keeping him in the home are no longer realistic, safe, or the best option. It’s a situation so many have found themselves in or will find themselves in at some point. When your loved one is suffering from severe cognitive and physical decline, 24-hour skilled care becomes the requirement that unfortunately trumps those promises. The loved one often doesn’t understand that these decisions are not a betrayal, but rather a very difficult, emotional choice made out of love and concern for them. These decisions are made out of necessity, not convenience, and certainly not light-hearted.
When my husband was faced with this decision for his own mother, I remember telling him that sometimes the best way to show someone you love them is to recognize your limitations and know that you are no longer their best caregiver. He felt guilty and inadequate, as though he let her down, but really, he was doing everything in his power for her. This is how my siblings felt as they were trying to juggle 24-hour shifts last week to care for Dad. I was out of town and felt helpless but tried to provide input and support. These situations are made all the more complicated and emotional when family dynamics and dysfunction often have family members arguing with each other instead of coming together. A bad situation becomes even tougher when everyone’s emotions are seemingly on steroids.
The bottom line is you have to do what’s best for everyone, most importantly the loved one who needs care but you must also consider the effects on everyone involved. You cannot pour from an empty cup. The stress this was all putting on my mother as well as becoming too much for her. She felt guilty for not being able to handle it on her own. Mind you, she is 88-years old herself. There is tremendous stress on family members who can’t get a good night’s sleep as they try to care for the loved one, maintain their responsibilities and commitments the next day, and then feel exhausted, guilty, and even resentful of their role and the demands it is taking on them. It’s overwhelming. There is no way out and there are no easy answers.
Here’s the truth. We are not superheroes. We are human and we can’t do it all. We might like to think we have superpowers and we can handle everything and be the heroic martyr, but really, we can’t. And we weren’t meant to. Sometimes our loved ones simply need more than we are equipped to give them. It’s not that we don’t want to care for them it’s that we aren’t fully capable. Our intentions are good. Our love is pure, but it’s not enough. The adult child now takes on the role of parenting and tough love by having to make the difficult decision to place them in a skilled nursing facility.
The message I want everyone reading to take away is that if you find yourself in this position, please, stop feeling guilty. This situation is difficult enough without adding another layer on top of it. If you can find your loved one a safe, clean, place where they can get the care they need, good care, then accept it as the best possible solution to a terrible, unavoidable situation that you never asked to be in. Putting them in a safe place is an act of love, not betrayal, even if it doesn’t feel that way at the moment, and you need not feel like you are abandoning them. Sometimes it’s the only choice. We beat ourselves up over guilt in so many areas of our life and feeling guilty never leads to anything good or productive. It causes us to second guess our decisions and sometimes projects our feelings on others in an angry, resentful way. Our loved ones, and my Dad, in this case, deserve to finish out their life with the best possible care we can give them. And sometimes, to do that, we need the help of others who can fill in where our capabilities left off.
This journey will not be easy but it’s one many of us will be called to walk. It can be made so much more bearable by trying to love each other as best we can Fearlessly and Faithfully, praying that God will give us what we need and what our loved one needs to get through it. We are human. We cannot do this alone. We need Him and each other.
“When you are weary and carrying heavy burdens, go to God and He will give you Rest.” Matthew 11:28
