Boundaries. I’m not talking about geographical boundaries. I’m talking about relational boundaries. We all need boundaries in our life to live in harmony with ourselves and others
The word “boundaries” may seem negative at first but ….change the way you look at things and the things you look at change….boundaries actually give us the blueprint for healthy relationships. They help us establish our limits and articulate what we need in a relationship. I think of boundaries as a way to define what is and isn’t acceptable to me. The result of not having healthy boundaries can look like codependence & emotional manipulation.
If you look at it that way, boundaries essentially then are a form of self-love.
Types of Boundaries.
There are several types of boundaries. We have physical boundaries. These are boundaries that help us determine what feels comfortable & uncomfortable to us. Sometimes people get into our personal space and we physically take a step back to create space between us. We don’t want them talking too close to our faces or sitting too close to us. Sometimes we encounter the touchy/feely person who wants to touch us when they talk or put their arm around us when we don’t want them to. Inappropriate touching is never acceptable and physical boundaries protect us from feeling unsafe.
There are boundaries against our time & energy. Have you ever had the person in your life who always seems to call at the wrong time and you try to get off the phone but they just won’t stop talking? Do you work in an office where people keep opening the door and popping their head in even though your door is shut? ! Your time is valuable. If you are a disciplined person you realize the value of time blocking, which allows you to make the most of your day by setting boundaries that define how your time will be allocated throughout the day. This can be a very effective strategy for maximizing efficiency and limiting interruptions. Time blocking is a boundary.
There are also emotional boundaries. Without them, you will feel drained because instead of doing what is best for you, you are always trying to please others and sacrificing your needs. When you do this on a regular basis, you will be left feeling spent, both emotionally and physically. This doesn’t make you a more loving and caring person. It makes you vulnerable to the manipulation of others. This is especially true if you are an empath. Being a good person doesn’t mean you always have to sacrifice what you need. Living like this will cause you to have little time for yourself and eventually you will probably find yourself complaining about the very people you were trying to help, but you were too afraid to set a healthy boundary with them because you don’t want to upset anyone. You will likely end up resenting this person and eventually doing your best to avoid them because they will have you so burnt out. You simply cannot help others until you fill your own bucket first and you need not feel guilt or shame for that!
When someone pushes the boundaries, we feel uncomfortable, defensive, maybe even angry. This is because whenever we go against what naturally feels right to us, we are creating our own inner turmoil. Without boundaries, you are basically a doormat for everyone to walk on. The result of not having healthy boundaries can look like codependence & emotional manipulation. That is because people that push the boundaries tend to be the passive-aggressive type. These situations can seem so subtle at first that we don’t even recognize the behavior as being manipulative until one day we realize this has become a pattern.
Consider the friend or family member who relies on you too much. Maybe they constantly need emotional or financial support. They may share so much of their problems with you that now their problems are weighing heavily on your mind causing you to lose your sense of peace and creating anxiety within you. I’m talking about that person who can’t make a decision on their own or get out of their own way. Those people are living in fear…..they do not trust their inner voice because they have never learned to rely on their own judgment. They sadly have no confidence in themselves or their decision-making. You know who they are. Say it with me…..”Their problems are not my problems!” Know when to walk away from these relationships and situations.
There will always be people who want to take advantage of your kindness and generosity. When you finally do stand up to them or set a boundary, they will push back and make you look like the bad guy. Manipulative people love to play the victim. They love to avoid personal responsibility which is why they always seek out the help of others. Ultimately, it is a sign of their immaturity and irresponsibility. They are calling to ask you to walk them through a problem once again, help them find a new job or asking you to lend them money. I refer to these people as energy vampires because they will literally suck the life out of you if you let them. (more to come on that topic in my next post). These people are master manipulators and on some level, they know this. They will keep repeating this pattern with you until you put a stop to it. They know just what to do until you give in. They will sense your weakness and gently keep pushing until you give in just to get them off your back. If this has happened to you, recognize that you have just allowed yourself to be manipulated. You have now learned a valuable lesson on setting boundaries.
Here are some suggestions that may help you with how to set boundaries:
Be intentional about how often you talk to them and how much of your life you share with them. Healthy boundaries mean you do not have to tell people everything that is going on in your life. They do not need to know how much money you make, when your next vacation is, that you just bought a new car or that you are up for a promotion at work. You are entitled to your own personal space and privacy.
Learn to say “No” without feeling guilty. Guilt never serves you well. Do not say “Yes” to anything out of a sense of obligation or to please others while sacrificing your own happiness unless it is truly necessary (and sometimes it is, such as helping our aging parents or others with a legitimate need).
When deciding whether or not to help someone, behave according to your own values and belief system. If helping them goes against your values, then don’t do it!
If you have lent this person money, consider it a gift and let it go without any bitterness because you may very well never see that money again. Therefore, don’t do this if it will be a financial hardship for you. And above all, let them know you agreed to help this time but you are not their personal ATM.
Do not allow anyone to manipulate you into thinking you are responsible for their happiness or their well-being! You are not responsible for how others feel or the decisions they make. Place the accountability for their lives where it belongs….with them. This may sound a bit harsh but you are actually doing them a favor by gently guiding them to make their own decisions.
Don’t answer the phone every time they call & don’t return a text right away. Delaying your response will let them know that you have other things going on in your life and you are not “on-call” for them.
When you do talk to them and they do start going down the negative rabbit hole of complaining again, change the topic. It’s okay to say “Let’s try to talk about something more positive right now” or somehow redirect the conversation.
Above all, have enough respect for yourself to set boundaries where you need them. This will allow the good energy to come into your life and limit the possibilities of the energy vampires draining you. Love yourself enough to Fearlessly and Faithfully set the healthy boundaries you need in your life today!
