July 2021

Last week, I wrote a tribute about the passing of my father.  The process of writing that post was very cathartic for me.  It helped me express my thoughts and feelings and in doing so, move forward through the emotions I was processing in a productive way. The many supportive and loving comments I received from so many of you truly touched my heart.  We all get so busy with our day-to-day activities of life and it is not lost on me when someone takes the time to reach out with their thoughts or let me know something I wrote touched them.  In fact, that is the greatest compliment I could ever receive.

In that post, I talked about the three signs I believed I had received from my father since he died.  Since then, some other things have happened to me which caused me a bit of anxiety and laughter at the same time.  Two days in a row last week, I received unmarked packages from Amazon with gifts in them, one being a beautiful wind chime with a poem about death attached to it, and the other being a silver dragonfly bracelet.  I was perplexed.  Who was sending me these gifts and why was there no card attached?  At first it was kinda fun until I started freaking myself out over it.  First the messages from Dad last week, and now this?  What was going on????  Me being me…the queen of overthinking everything….I wondered if there was some hidden meaning to all this. I shared what was happening with my life coach, and she encouraged me to research the meaning behind the dragonfly and its spiritual significance.  I even reached out to my eldest son for his help and wisdom on the matter.  In doing so, I could visualize his eyes rolling at me through the phone as I explained to him I needed his help.  “What now Mom?”  was exactly the tone I was perceiving!

I never knew there was any spiritual significance to the dragonfly but this is what I learned.

Legend Has It That Dragonflies Were Given an Extra Set of Wings So That Angels Could Ride on Their Backs. When You See This Winged Beauty It’s an Exquisite reminder That an Angel From Heaven Is Visiting You. 

Dragonflies are born underwater and take several months to several years to actually hatch and come up from the water.  Because of this, they are considered a symbol of change and transformation.  They can signify new beginnings, change, and strength.  Once they do emerge and begin life above water, they have a very short life span of only about six months.  This is believed to be a reminder to us that our time is short and we should live life to the fullest.  (Of course in my mind, I wondered if this was a sign that I only had six months to live!!!  Again, overthinking!   After some assurance from my coach that this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the person who has passed, I felt some relief! )

There is so much symbolism I found about the dragonfly.  So many parallels to life and spirituality. As the dragonfly gracefully maneuvers its environment and withstands the winds of storms, so too should we navigate life.  We should live life in the moment and adapt to whatever changes we need to as the dragonfly does.  Who would have thought that something so flimsy looking as the dragonfly is actually a symbol of strength and perseverance?

The Native Americans and many other cultures around the world think of the dragonfly as a spirit guide.  It is said to cross our paths when we are in moments of deep sorrow, joylessness, or going through deep change. If a dragonfly crosses our path, we are to examine our life, ask ourselves what emotions are we feeling, and is there something going on in our lives that we need to deal with.  Sometimes the dragonfly is believed to be a symbol for transformation within ourselves.  Some associate it with resurrection and new life, as well as the power of healing and transformation. As humans, we tend to not fully embrace change, but a dragonfly molts or sheds its outer coverings up to seventeen times in its short 6-month lifespan, hence, they are a symbol of growth and maturity and a reminder to us to embrace the changes life brings us and adapt accordingly.  How many times do we molt and change in our lives?  Do we adapt to the things around us gracefully or do we resist change at every turn because it scares us? Do we see change as a welcome opportunity to reinvent ourselves or as a necessary evil that makes us uncomfortable?

While the Bible doesn’t specifically mention dragonflies, many Christians associate them with the rebirth of Christ and his Ascension into Heaven. 2 Corinthians 5:17 tells us “Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things are passed away, behold, all things become new.”  Isn’t this what we want to believe happens after death?  The pain is wiped away and we are restored, whole, healthy, and new again in God’s image?   There are other parallels we can draw from the bible on this subject that all revolve around new life, being content with the life we have, and embracing change.  As the dragonfly flutters about Fearlessly and Faithfully relying on its own strength, shouldn’t we?

I am thankful that this silver dragonfly bracelet came in the mail, and I am even more thankful to the two beautiful women who gifted it to me.  (I am also extremely thankful to the helpful person at Amazon who helped me track the package and determine who sent these gifts to me so I could relax and get some sleep!)  Whenever I wear it and look down at my wrist, I will not only be reminded of them and my father but also of the strength I have inside. I will remember to make the most of each day, to share my gifts with others, and try to create something beautiful with my life to leave behind.  It is a reminder to be open to whatever life brings and trust that any transformation in my life will be for the greater good.

“Dragonflies are reminders that we are light and we can reflect light in powerful ways if we choose to do so.”

Robyn Nola

The last couple of weeks have been an overwhelming mix of thoughts and emotions for me.  My father passed away on July 6, and we laid him to rest nearly a week ago on July 13, 2021.  I started writing this post a couple of days after his passing, but I couldn’t finish it then.  I needed to sit with my grief for a bit, let my feelings settle, and wait until after we had said our final goodbyes.

We know that death is a reality of life but it’s true when they say nothing prepares you for it.  I thought I was ready.  In fact, I had prayed for it because I didn’t want him to suffer.  At 95 years old, he certainly lived a full life and my family was blessed to have all those years with him, especially since he was healthy up until the end.  Suddenly I found myself like everyone else in this situation, wishing I had one more day.  One more Christmas.  One more visit with him when he was well, sitting on my patio. I wish I had taken more pictures over the years!  Ninety-five years sounds like a lot of time, but it passes quickly.  Seeing his obituary in print was surreal.  As a writer, I know that seeing something in print makes it official.  Once it’s printed, it’s out there.

My father was a complex man of many accomplishments.  Born in Brooklyn, NY,  he was scrappy and raised with street smarts which he instilled in us.  The son of a longshoreman, he was tough.  He was a fighter.  He had grit.  I remember his words to me one day when I was in college, he said perseverance was the key, and boy did he show me what that word meant.  My dad never gave up, not even in the end.  He never gave up hope.  He never gave up the fight.  He never gave up his faith. He taught me not just to be tough, but to stand up for what’s right and to do the right thing.  He also always told me to be aware of my surroundings, know who’s around, and never take my eyes or my hands off my drink!  Good advice even today.

He dropped out of high school at the age of 17 to join the war effort.  He said that if his older brother, my Uncle Leo, was going to war, then he was too.  The Army enlisted him when he was 18 and my Dad joined Patton’s fight, storming Normandy, surviving the Battle of The Bulge, and many other battles.  He was highly decorated with several medals and honors and should have had the Purple Heart, but his Lieutenant pulled the paperwork after my Dad did something he wasn’t’ supposed to do. That’s my Dad….he wasn’t always one to follow the rules but he got the job done!  He did things “his way.”  My father was a sharpshooter, an undaunted soldier. He bravely helped liberate concentration camps and saved countless lives. Imagine the relief of those frightened and worn down prisoners at the sights and sounds of our American troops coming to free them.  Valiantly marching into battle risking their lives to save thousands of others.  That is bravery and courage!  That is being Fearless in the face of overwhelming uncertainty.  That was my father!

You don’t come out of the battle unscathed.  My father grew up in a time where men were taught to suppress their emotions.  Nobody talked about PTSD back then, but imagine what he saw in those still formative years of his life.  At 18 years old, he was arguably thrown into the worst battles where it was expected that most would not survive.  The military knew there would be a huge sacrifice of American lives but this was the only way to win the war.  My father lost many of his comrades and no doubt saw unspeakable things.  The war left a mark and it shaped him in many ways.  How could it not?  He brought home the battle scars where even something as innocent as hearing children screaming while playing brought back horrible images in his mind of the battlefield screams.  Growing up, it sometimes felt we were walking on eggshells and at other times, the kindness that was truly in his heart was obvious to us and others around him.  He wasn’t perfect but he always believed in what he was doing.  He was humble and carried big dreams in his heart, but those dreams often eluded him.  He wanted the best for us.  He would often quietly help others, even if he wasn’t necessarily in the best position to do so.  He lived through the great depression and stood in breadlines with his mom.  He understood that sometimes people just need a little help.  He understood because he had been there.  We weren’t rich, but we had plenty.  We didn’t talk about love or feelings, but we felt it. We grew up knowing what the words sacrifice, honor and respect meant.

Someone once said you’re never really a grown-up until you’ve had to bury a parent.  I agree there is truth in that statement.  No matter our age, we still see ourselves as kids. Mom and Dad’s kids.  Now we have to learn to navigate a world with one less parent and as crazy as this may sound, for me anyway, it creates a feeling of uncertainty.  We just expect our parents to always be there even though we know they won’t be.

In the first few days of my grief, I believe I received three messages from my dad.  One came to me in the form of a kind older man bagging my groceries at Kroger, the other was the next day when my son and I encountered a man with a dog named Rosie, after the dog I grew up with, who was my dad’s most loyal companion.  (I have never met another dog named Rosie so clearly this was a sign! ) And the third consecutive message was a random Tik-Tok video that popped of my Dad’s favorite pizza joint in Brooklyn, the legendary Spumoni Gardens.  I think he knew I needed to hear from him and he was letting me know he’s okay.  My faith tells me he is made whole again and he is rejoicing in the afterlife with his family and everyone else he’s been missing.  I want so much to believe this is true but nobody really knows.  We tell ourselves this to help lessen the heartache.  We walk in faith even when we sometimes question it because we don’t know what else to do.

To get through this life without him and navigate the pain of feeling like something is missing, I will hold onto my happy memories. When I remember my Dad, I will remember his emphasis on family, his unwavering love of country, and everything patriotic.  I will remember Sunday dinners when he would give us his concoction of  Lambrusco with 7-Up.  (He probably invented the wine spritzer we know today!)  I will remember him giving me the red quarters in the bar to play the pinball machines, bowling game, and Pac-Man.  I will remember the occasional Sunday treat of getting a banana split from Dairy Queen. I will remember making him a cup of tea as a kid and a sandwich, of which I always had to take the first bite “to make sure it tasted good” I would tell him.   I will remember him and Rosie walking to the newsstand to buy The Plain Dealer in the mornings.  As a kid, I was always going out for a run and ran on the track team.  I will remember him telling me to keep running because it will stretch my legs and make me taller.  Apparently, that didn’t work!  I will remember his idolization of Sinatra manifested in me being named after Nancy Sinatra. Maybe this is why I love to wear high-heeled boots. His favorite songs being “Summer Wind” and  his personal anthem “My Way.”  I will remember the time I wrecked the car but swore to him that I didn’t know how it happened! I will remember how proud he was of my boys and all his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I will remember the way he ate every morsel of the last meal I made him a couple of months ago, chicken piccata.  I will remember him every time my husband orders a strawberry milkshake, also his favorite, or whenever I make a pot of pasta fagioli.  I will remember his strong hands, and how my pinky finger bends that same way his does.  So many memories.  I will never forget.  I will remember.

My father is now back where he belongs.  He had a beautiful funeral that paid tribute to his life and his legacy.  We laid him to rest with full military honors alongside his brothers in arms at Western Reserve National Cemetery.  My father was born to lead the fight, and now he is with others who shared the same calling.  We can never comprehend the magnitude of their sacrifice but we hope in some small way we continue their legacy.   Dad was a soldier who through his heroic efforts, undoubtedly left the world a better place than he found it.  He is part of a lost generation.

Rest in peace Dad, the peace that you are so deserving of.  I will try to continue living as Fearless and Faithful as you did. I will continue to make my way in the world and hopefully make you proud.  I know you will be watching over all of us. Hopefully, I have passed a part of you along to Alex and Nick. I may have lost you to the summer wind, but you will always be with me.  You will always be with us.  May God bless you in Heaven, and may God bless America.

“Then softer than a piper man one day it called to you
I lost you, I lost you to the summer wind”

Love,  The Baby.

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