February 2021

Every now and then, something happens to us or in the news which causes us to stop and take stock in our lives.  It could be the illness or death of someone close to us or a celebrity that we particularly admired.  For some of us, it’s the fact that we see our aging parents having difficulties and we realize they may not be with us much longer.  It could be a story we read that touches us and makes us pause and reflect.  And for many Catholics and Christians right now, it could be the Lenten season that is upon us and calls us to reflect and repent.  Whatever it is that touches you and makes you stop and look at your life, this post will hopefully resonate with you.

For me, it’s a little bit of all of the above.  I find myself thinking more about my own mortality the older I get, and quite honestly, it scares me.  Even though I am healthy and young by most standards, I feel the window slowly closing.  Time is getting shorter.  We never know when our last day will be.  Depressing, I know, but when you are younger you think you have nothing but time and as you get older, you become keenly aware that time is not finite and you may want to hurry up and cram in everything you haven’t done yet.  Make that bucket list and get going!

Recently in the news, some very notable people have passed away.   It’s always sad to see the great legends leave us.  Some of those passing recently included Alex Trebek, Rush Limbaugh, Eddie Van Halen, Cloris Leachman, Mac Davis, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Chadwick Boseman, Whitey Ford, and so many others.  Whether you were a fan of these people or not, they undoubtedly left their mark on this world one way or another.  As people like to say, “Talent returned to God.”  Yesterday in my car, I heard songs by Eddie Money and Van Halen on the radio and I thought, “what a legacy these guys left.”  If you are a fan of The Blacklist, you may know the actor Clark Middleton also passed away in 2020.  As I was reading about him, he quoted his father who said

“Give the world your best and the best will come back to you.”

This reminds me of one of my very favorite writers, Erma Bombeck, who famously said:

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say ‘I used everything you gave me.”

Really, what a wonderful way to leave this world, knowing you did everything you could with what you were given and that you shared your gifts with others.  To have talent, and we all have some God-given talent or gifts, and to use it for good, to use it to touch others, is the very definition of a life well-lived. 

This week, as you go out into the world, maybe take a moment to think about what your talents and gifts are, and then Fearlessly and Faithfully share those with others.  In a world with so many people hurting right now, use your gifts to spread a little joy.  The world needs your contribution!

Starting over.

Part of my job as a Realtor involves helping people start over.  In many cases, when someone is buying and/or selling a home, they are doing so because of a major life change such as a job transfer, a new job, getting married, and/or starting a family, and sometimes it’s because of a divorce or death in the family. 

These are major life events and I do not take lightly the fact that these people have chosen to work with me as they walk down this path.  I consider it a privilege to have the opportunity to do so and I strive to make the process easier and less stressful for them.

I recently had a client who just closed on her new home.  We had been working together for several months through the sale of her home, the finalization of her divorce which was the precipice for all this, and finally, the closing of her new home.  None of this was easy on her, and as some hiccups came along through the process, at times it wasn’t easy on me either.  But that’s my job….to help my clients navigate those unexpected problems and let them know we will get through it together. 

During a process like this, usually, the relationship evolves into a friendship and is no longer just a business relationship.  This is what happens when you genuinely care about the people you are representing and you put yourself in their shoes.  This is easy for me to do since I was divorced several years ago and I too found myself having to sell the house I loved.  The house where I planned to finish raising my children.  The house that we had so many good memories in. I still avoid driving by it, to be honest. 

Nobody can prepare you for what those emotions feel like but part of the process is going through them, one by one, and allowing yourself the time it takes to unpack all those feelings and all those memories.  It’s scary.  You have a lot of concerns over what your future holds.  Where will I go from here?  Will I find a place to live in that I love just as much?  Will my life ever feel normal again?  Those are big questions everyone has in this situation and I just try to share my story with them and let them know that yes, it will all be okay one day and yes, we will find the right house to call “home.” 

I think it’s important for people in this situation to realize that while selling the house and moving on feels like an ending, and indeed, it is an ending, it’s also a new beginning.  A time to confront the past head-on and decide for yourself what your future is going to look like.  For this client in-particular, it wasn’t easy. She wasn’t used to making these big decisions on her own and found herself at times second-guessing her decisions.  That’s normal.  That’s part of the growth process. All along, she seemed to have this sense that somehow it would all work out because she had a deep faith that it would.  And it did!  Can I tell you just how proud of her I am that she took a leap of faith, bought herself what I know will be the perfect condo to start over in, and she started a new job all within a month’s time?  If that isn’t living Fearlessly and Faithfully then I don’t know what is!

You too might be finding yourself at a crossroads for whatever reason.  Just know that right about the time we are ready to throw our hands up in the air is about the time things get better.  Have faith over fear and know that new beginnings can be a very good thing!

In my previous post, I wrote about healthy boundaries and how they are essential for living a life with positive energy (https://fearlessandfaithful.com/i-draw-the-line/).  Today we are going to talk about energy: what drives it and how to keep the positive energy flowing.

Starting this blog has given me so much more energy. I absolutely love sitting down and writing these posts.  In order to have the time to do that, I have committed to getting out of bed at 6 a.m., (sometimes it’s actually earlier) grabbing a cup of coffee, lighting the candle on my desk, and playing my favorite classical music playlist for studying from Spotify.   (click here if you’d like to take a listen: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6wObnEPQ63a4kei1sEcMdH?si=BLmsj_lfSWCn7wzzK06W7w). This sets the tone for me and allows me to collect my thoughts and start writing.  I will usually begin by journaling and then I will start writing my next post. The journaling is sort of the warm-up exercise if you will.  I sit there & write for at least an hour because once I start this exercise, I truly lose track of time.  After I feel satisfied with what I have written, I will then eat the next big frog which is exercise.  Most of my productivity happens before 10 am.  I write for my blog, check my real estate-related emails and hot sheets, post something on social media to help drive my brand, exercise, follow up on any contracts or issues that need my attention, and of course throw in a load of laundry and feed the cat.  Actually, my cat demands I feed her first thing!

I think one of the first steps to creating positive energy in our lives is to not only recognize what it is that gives us energy but also what it is that steals our energy.  Once we do that, we can then begin taking steps to correct that. 

Take The Energy Test

Take a look at your daily routine.,  Check your habits.  Is there something in your daily routine that if you changed, eliminated, or improved upon, you would feel more energized? 

Stop and think about how you generally feel throughout the day.  What is your typical mood like?  Are you generally happy or are you frequently angry, irritable, or annoyed?  Do you often feel stressed?  Do you have a headache by 3 pm? Ask yourself why and then try to eliminate those things that are causing that negative energy or serving to drain you.

Some signs of negative energy are feeling tired all the time and even procrastinating can be a sign of negative energy.  Sometimes feeling tired isn’t so much from a lack of energy but rather a lack of doing something that inspires us and makes us want to jump out of bed.  When we feel inspired to do something, we naturally feel more energetic.  It doesn’t seem like a chore or something we “have” to do but rather something we “want” to do.

Sometimes all we need to do to correct the energy around us is to practice more self-care.  Taking a hot bath, a long walk or practicing yoga are great ways to shift the physical energy in us.  The fragrant smell of diffusing essential oils can also instill feelings of energy and peacefulness in us.  I sometimes like to put my earbuds in and listen to a podcast or favorite playlist while I clean or work in the yard.  It just makes the mundane tasks seem more enjoyable and podcasts are a great way to learn something new and get inspired.  I know for me, the playlist is the key to creating the energy I need to power through a workout, especially when I’m doing cardio. I simply cannot run or spin without my favorite workout music blaring in my ears!

People Give & People Take

Sometimes there are people in our lives too, the energy vampires I mentioned previously, that need to be addressed.  Every human being we come across has the potential to bring positive or negative energy into our life.  When you’re around positive people, they are naturally more uplifting, often motivating us to be better versions of ourselves and we generally enjoy their company.  Negative people, on the other hand, leave us feeling drained, uneasy and we usually don’t want to hurry up and schedule that next coffee session with them!

It’s impossible to think that we can go through life without experiencing or avoiding negative energy.  In order to live a positive life and effectively live our best life, we need to surround ourselves with the people and things that bring more positive energy into our lives.  It is okay and in fact, necessary to release toxic people from your life and remove yourself from toxic situations.  I say it is necessary, but it certainly is far from easy, especially when those toxic people are family members.  Just because you share DNA with someone does not mean they should have the power to destroy your inner peace.  Love yourself enough to know that there are some things you just cannot change, no matter how much you may want to because you can only control yourself.  If you have done your best and it still isn’t changing the situation, then simply let it go.  If you are a spiritual person, praying about it may help you feel more at peace.

I can vividly remember my first professional job out of college. I was working for a marketing company in Cincinnati and the boss (who I thought I was going to totally click with,) turned out to be the boss from hell.  She had a way of pitting people against each other just to see who would rise to the top.  I was so naive that it took me a while to realize what was going on. Any compliments I received from her were also tempered with an insult or criticism that led to incredible insecurity in me.  I was afraid to make a mistake.  I didn’t know how to take direction from her.  I started doubting what I was doing.  I also didn’t feel there was anyone I could trust within the organization. Like most advertising agencies, everyone is on edge and worried about keeping their jobs in such a fast-paced, competitive environment.  Everyone operated in CYA mode.  I literally would be sick to my stomach every Sunday night, dreading going into work the next morning.  I had no idea how to protect myself from that negative energy nor did I recognize that this was not a reflection of me, but of the environment and poor leadership.  Thankfully I ended up getting let go along with a few others due to budgetary constraints when we lost our biggest client.  I was so relieved but had I been more self-aware at the time, I wouldn’t have suffered in that job for so long.  I would have recognized this wasn’t a healthy place for me.  I would have taken matters into my own hands and left sooner.  Even still, with all the negativity, I learned some very valuable lessons from that job.  So if you are finding yourself in a tough situation that is affecting your physical health, your peace of mind & your emotional health, it’s time to walk away.  There is no shame in saying this isn’t right for me anymore.

Take a few moments to write down some things that make you feel energized and happy.  Is it exercise, being around a certain fun-loving friend, reading, meditating, helping others, visualization exercises?  Who or what gives you energy.  Writing these things down will help you to consciously steer your activities in this direction. Conversely, write down the things and the people that steal your energy and then make a conscious effort to avoid or limit them as much as possible. 

Knowing that what you focus on expands, commit to yourself to focus on the positive rather than the negative.  Begin keeping a gratitude journal as this practice helps keep us in a state of mindfulness. Decide that you will welcome positive energy into your life and in fact, that by being the energy you want to attract, you will bring more of it into your life. Then go out into the world, and Fearlessly and Faithfully share that positive vibe!

Boundaries.  I’m not talking about geographical boundaries.  I’m talking about relational boundaries.  We all need boundaries in our life to live in harmony with ourselves and others

The word “boundaries” may seem negative at first but ….change the way you look at things and the things you look at change….boundaries actually give us the blueprint for healthy relationships.  They help us establish our limits and articulate what we need in a relationship. I think of boundaries as a way to define what is and isn’t acceptable to me. The result of not having healthy boundaries can look like codependence & emotional manipulation.

If you look at it that way, boundaries essentially then are a form of self-love.

Types of Boundaries.

There are several types of boundaries. We have physical boundaries. These are boundaries that help us determine what feels comfortable & uncomfortable to us.  Sometimes people get into our personal space and we physically take a step back to create space between us.  We don’t want them talking too close to our faces or sitting too close to us.  Sometimes we encounter the touchy/feely person who wants to touch us when they talk or put their arm around us when we don’t want them to. Inappropriate touching is never acceptable and physical boundaries protect us from feeling unsafe.

There are boundaries against our time & energy.  Have you ever had the person in your life who always seems to call at the wrong time and you try to get off the phone but they just won’t stop talking? Do you work in an office where people keep opening the door and popping their head in even though your door is shut? !  Your time is valuable.  If you are a disciplined person you realize the value of time blocking, which allows you to make the most of your day by setting boundaries that define how your time will be allocated throughout the day.  This can be a very effective strategy for maximizing efficiency and limiting interruptions. Time blocking is a boundary.

There are also emotional boundaries.  Without them, you will feel drained because instead of doing what is best for you, you are always trying to please others and sacrificing your needs. When you do this on a regular basis, you will be left feeling spent, both emotionally and physically.  This doesn’t make you a more loving and caring person.  It makes you vulnerable to the manipulation of others. This is especially true if you are an empath.  Being a good person doesn’t mean you always have to sacrifice what you need.  Living like this will cause you to have little time for yourself and eventually you will probably find yourself complaining about the very people you were trying to help, but you were too afraid to set a healthy boundary with them because you don’t want to upset anyone.  You will likely end up resenting this person and eventually doing your best to avoid them because they will have you so burnt out.  You simply cannot help others until you fill your own bucket first and you need not feel guilt or shame for that!

When someone pushes the boundaries, we feel uncomfortable, defensive, maybe even angry. This is because whenever we go against what naturally feels right to us, we are creating our own inner turmoil.  Without boundaries, you are basically a doormat for everyone to walk on. The result of not having healthy boundaries can look like codependence & emotional manipulation. That is because people that push the boundaries tend to be the passive-aggressive type. These situations can seem so subtle at first that we don’t even recognize the behavior as being manipulative until one day we realize this has become a pattern.

Consider the friend or family member who relies on you too much. Maybe they constantly need emotional or financial support.  They may share so much of their problems with you that now their problems are weighing heavily on your mind causing you to lose your sense of peace and creating anxiety within you.  I’m talking about that person who can’t make a decision on their own or get out of their own way.  Those people are living in fear…..they do not trust their inner voice because they have never learned to rely on their own judgment.  They sadly have no confidence in themselves or their decision-making. You know who they are. Say it with me…..”Their problems are not my problems!”  Know when to walk away from these relationships and situations.

There will always be people who want to take advantage of your kindness and generosity.  When you finally do stand up to them or set a boundary, they will push back and make you look like the bad guy.  Manipulative people love to play the victim. They love to avoid personal responsibility which is why they always seek out the help of others.  Ultimately, it is a sign of their immaturity and irresponsibility. They are calling to ask you to walk them through a problem once again, help them find a new job or asking you to lend them money.  I refer to these people as energy vampires because they will literally suck the life out of you if you let them. (more to come on that topic in my next post).  These people are master manipulators and on some level,  they know this.  They will keep repeating this pattern with you until you put a stop to it.  They know just what to do until you give in.  They will sense your weakness and gently keep pushing until you give in just to get them off your back. If this has happened to you, recognize that you have just allowed yourself to be manipulated. You have now learned a valuable lesson on setting boundaries.

Here are some suggestions that may help you with how to set boundaries:

Be intentional about how often you talk to them and how much of your life you share with them.  Healthy boundaries mean you do not have to tell people everything that is going on in your life. They do not need to know how much money you make, when your next vacation is, that you just bought a new car or that you are up for a promotion at work.  You are entitled to your own personal space and privacy.

Learn to say “No” without feeling guilty.  Guilt never serves you well.  Do not say “Yes” to anything out of a sense of obligation or to please others while sacrificing your own happiness unless it is truly necessary (and sometimes it is, such as helping our aging parents or others with a legitimate need).

When deciding whether or not to help someone, behave according to your own values and belief system.  If helping them goes against your values, then don’t do it!

If you have lent this person money, consider it a gift and let it go without any bitterness because you may very well never see that money again.  Therefore, don’t do this if it will be a financial hardship for you. And above all, let them know you agreed to help this time but you are not their personal ATM.

Do not allow anyone to manipulate you into thinking you are responsible for their happiness or their well-being!  You are not responsible for how others feel or the decisions they make.  Place the accountability for their lives where it belongs….with them. This may sound a bit harsh but you are actually doing them a favor by gently guiding them to make their own decisions.

Don’t answer the phone every time they call & don’t return a text right away.  Delaying your response will let them know that you have other things going on in your life and you are not “on-call” for them.

When you do talk to them and they do start going down the negative rabbit hole of complaining again, change the topic.  It’s okay to say “Let’s try to talk about something more positive right now”  or somehow redirect the conversation.

Above all, have enough respect for yourself to set boundaries where you need them.  This will allow the good energy to come into your life and limit the possibilities of the energy vampires draining you.  Love yourself enough to Fearlessly and Faithfully set the healthy boundaries you need in your life today!